The original version of this post was written years ago as a way to help parents connect with their children after school. And since then, I’ve changed my mind about a few things. More than that, I was wrong about a few things. Leave it to kids to highlight the areas we miss the mark, right? But that’s okay because the end goal is a healthy and loving relationship with our kids. One that stretches both the parent and child to the best version of themselves individually and that cultivates a bond that impacts their lives and the lives of others in a positive and meaningful way. The following tips on how to connect with your child is by no means an exhaustive list or the only “right” way to connect but simply a starting point.
A relationship is always a custom job with unique idiosyncrasies, countless adjustments requiring the need for flexibility and whole lot of love and grace. So implement what works and toss the rest.
Two areas of improvement from the original post?
I made the comment to “make ourselves a part of their lives”. So much of their lives we force or are forced to be a part of – what they eat as a young child, their sleep schedule, where they go to school, technology use, doctor appointments, medical decisions, the list is endless really. I think though that as a result we sometimes fall into the trap that connection or relationship can also be forced. I’m the mom, I do/did all these things, I keep you safe so therefore we have this specific connection. And while it does afford us a particular connection to them, I’d argue that it’s not the same connection that will carry us through into their adult lives. The connection we ultimately desire.
The tricky and honestly scary part for mothers is that there are two parts to this equation and we only have control over one of those. Me + Child = Relationship. So rather than “making” ourselves a part of their lives, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to be available. Available to celebrate in the joyous victories they have, to listen even when incredibly difficult, to grieve with them, to support when it directly involves us and even when it doesn’t.
A few ideas for connection here:
Study.
Think about when you were first dating your spouse. The way you took interest in what made them the person you loved. Their quirky personality traits, their hobbies, their struggles. Do the same with your kids. Don’t look at them through the lens of that newborn baby you nurtured to where they are today. Remove that perspective and learn really who they are. Appreciate what makes them the individual they are, breathe in the gratitude of getting a front row seat to their journey, listen to understand them not “fix” them (even if your motive is pure), take joy in their quirks. Learning and appreciating who they are cultivates connection.
Serve your child.
I know, I know what you’re thinking. You have to be kidding me, right? I cook, I clean, I chauffeur. Pause with me for just a second. Consider your emotion when your friend surprises you with an iced coffee or your spouse completes a task that was on your to do list. You feel seen, heard, appreciated. Your child is human and desires this as well. Take what you learned above and find a way to serve your child in an unexpected way. One that grabs their attention and screams – I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you. Side note – I do think it is equally as important to teach responsibility. You can check out a blog post on that here.
Be their biggest fan.
As they leave the safe cocoon you have provided for them at home, the world will be sure to offer criticism, judgement and opinion on their decisions, their life, and the person they are. We all know this to be true, right. Be the person they run to with their good news and be the loudest cheerleader. They’ll also run to you with their deepest disappointments and you’ll be able to be that refuge once again similar to when they came running with a scraped knee or hurt feelings from the playground. Of course, there are times for healthy and loving correction but let your “biggest fan” voice be much louder.
Second area of improvement? It wasn’t wrong just incomplete. I listed 10 questions to ask after school and I’ll share some of those again today but note that all kids don’t respond to questioning. Some kids may feel it is a form of interrogation rather than showing interest. Another way to use what you learned above to apply what works for the unique individual standing in front of you at the end of the day.
Before I share those questions, here are a few alternatives.
Simply say, I’m happy you’re home and let them fill in the silence.
Talk while also involved in an activity. Play ping pong while you talk, make a snack together, pass the ball, walk the dog, color together – I have found this helpful with highly energetic kids or kids who are not as quick to share about their day.
Give them space first. Sometimes kids need to process the day on their own first. So do I. Maybe start bedtime a little early so you can lay in bed with them while they recount the day. Or even a weekend ice cream trip to talk about the week.
And if questions work for your child, here are a few to consider.
How was your day?
What happened today that made you laugh?
What did you not like about school today?
Who did you play/hang with today?
What did you play/do?
How is “specific friend” doing?
Did you do anything new today?
What was your favorite class today?
Tell me something your teacher said just to you today.
How did you show kindness today?
Now it’s your turn.
What are ways you prioritize cultivating meaningful relationships with your kids? Continuing to learn and share makes us better and happier mothers. So let’s hear what you got!!
Jess
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